


I never thought I could have this (and now it's gone)

by tarialdarion



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, M/M, Miscarriage, Not A Fix-It, Omega Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 20:52:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7376953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion/pseuds/tarialdarion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Dear baby,’ he thought hysterically while dodging an arrow, ‘One day your daddy and I fought and almost blew up an airport. I hope you’re better at communication than we are.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	I never thought I could have this (and now it's gone)

 The clang of the shield dropping to the concrete floor echoed the thump of Tony’s heart. He watched Steve limp out of the bunker, carrying Bucky the whole way, with bile rising in his throat. The tell-tale pain had started creeping through him and he clenched his teeth, refusing to cry out and alert Steve and Bucky.

Darkness edged in at the corners of his vision as he slumped against the concrete pillar, unable to even stand with the rolling waves of pain that wracked his body. Tony placed a gentle hand over his stomach and leaned back against the pillar, his last thought before unconsciousness was simply _I can’t lose her too_.

 

_He laughed, watching Steve fail so beautifully at pool. “Nice try, Cap,” he smirked, “but you’ll never beat the master.” Steve lined up again, his form completely inadequate and Tony shook his head. “No, that’s not – oh here.” Tony walked up behind Steve, adjusting his posture and explaining the proper movement. It didn’t quite register that he was plastered against Steve’s back until he felt the movement of Steve’s ass against his crotch. A sharp breath from Steve was the only indication that their position had registered with him as well._

_Tony stepped away quickly. “Much better.” He croaked as he hurried to stand at the other side of the table, steadily avoiding Steve’s gaze and grateful that the pool table came up to his waist._

Bursts of lights and shouting voices registered through his haze and Tony felt the sensation of rolling. He opened his eyes, blinking and focusing on faces covered with masks, Natasha standing next to them saying calmly, “Tony, we’re going to get you some help. Just stay conscious, okay? Let the doctors do their job, we can save it. Tony? TONY!”

 

_They moved together, Steve panting into Tony’s neck and Tony moaning his pleasure to the ceiling. He was so close, so – “What the fuck, Steve?” He opened his eyes to meet Steve’s panicked blue ones._

_“Um.”_

_“I thought you said – “_

_“I didn’t think this would happen! It’s never happened before, you know, like this.” Tony huffed, frustrated._

_“Whatever. Just…make me come.” The only evidence that Steve had heard him was the insistent push of his knot against Tony’s prostate. Tony shouted and came, white stripes coating his chest and a warm feeling of Steve’s come pumping into him._

_Steve maneuvered them to lay on their side, his body curled protectively over Tony’s. Tony slowly drifted to sleep, Steve’s breath hot against his neck and his knot pressed firmly inside Tony._

_The next morning, Tony was unsurprised to see that Steve was gone._

_By the time his heat came, he and Pepper were back together._

 

“We’re losing it!” A loud beeping noise seeped through the darkness and Tony struggled to submerge from unconsciousness.

“Nurse! He’s waking up! Put him back under!” Tony breathed deeply, a chemical scent flooding his nostrils and pulling him back under.

 

_Pepper stared at him. “Pregnant?” She said finally, her voice betraying nothing. Tony nodded and looked down at his hands. “You want to keep it.” She said disbelievingly. “I thought you didn’t want kids.”_

_“People change.” His voice was quiet, subdued. Pepper sat up and straightened her jacket with a firm nod._

_“I’m happy for you, Tony but I –“ She hesitated. Tony looked up and gave her a half-hearted smile._

_“I know.”_

_Pepper scooted over and gave him a firm hug. “You never can do things the easy way, can you?”_

_“Part of my charm.” He joked but it fell flat._

_Pepper was silent for a moment. “Tony…you know you have to tell him.”_

_Tony’s eyes flashed in determination. “No. Not with Ross pushing the Accords.”_

_“But-“_

_“No!” Tony’s voice rose with panic._

_Pepper gave in. “Okay, Tony. Go and make those MIT students very happy. God knows they need it.”_

_They shared a smile before Pepper stood, kissing Tony lightly on the forehead and leaving the room quietly._

_Tony sat on the bed for a while longer, staring at nothing and trying to quell the rising panic in his chest._

_He rested a hand on his stomach and closed his eyes, vowing to protect and love his child._

 

Tony opened his eyes and blinked, squinting in the light and recognizing the shapes sitting or standing around the bed. “Rhodey?” He rasped, trying to sit up but laying back with a cry as pain lanced through him.

Rhodey startled, leaning forward in his chair to see Tony and laying a hand over Tony’s limp one. “Hey, Tones. Try not to move.” He said, gently.

“Where, where am I?” Tony croaked, looking around the room and seeing Natasha and Vision’s concerned faces.

“The hospital.” Natasha’s voice sounded disaffected but the look in her eyes and her posture belayed her concern.

“What?”

“Tony,” Vision stepped forward. Tony blinked, unable to hide his surprise. Vision had never called him Tony before, it was always, “Mr. Stark” or, on one occasion, a slip of “Sir”. “What do you remember?”

It came back to him in flashes. “I was in Russia….Zemo was there, and Steve…..He didn’t….and there was this pain…” he trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence.

Natasha and Rhodey exchanged a grim look. “Tony, the doctors tried everything they could.”

Tony felt the panic rise. “No.” He breathed, closing his eyes and willing himself not to hear Rhodey’s next words.

“They couldn’t save it, Tony, your injuries were too – “

“No!” Tony shouted, struggling to sit up. Somewhere on his left, a machine started beeping rapidly and Rhodey’s hand clenched his tightly.

“Tony, you have to calm down.” Natasha stepped forward, hand reaching out to comfort him.

“No.” Tony started sobbing, unwilling to listen as two nurses came bustling into the room.

“Everyone out now!” One of them demanded. Natasha helped Rhodey out of the room and Vision followed, glancing at Tony worriedly as he left.

“It’s all right.” A nurse placated him as she injected something into his IV. “Just relax; everything’s okay.”

 _No! Everything is not okay! It will never be okay again_! Tony wanted to scream. But his tongue wouldn’t move and he slipped back into the darkness.

 

_“Pregnant?”_

_Tony stared at Steve, wanting to laugh hysterically at the situation. “No, ha, definitely not.” he said, finally._

_They fought and Steve left, angrier at Tony than when they started. Tony slumped into a chair, mentally calculating the repercussions of what just happened. He rubbed his arm, tamping down his emotions and asking Natasha if there was something wrong._

_“You alright?”_

_“Always.”_

 

Tony stared at the phone in his hand, clenching the note in his fist hard enough to leave fingernail indents in his palm. He didn’t know how long he had sat there staring at it until Ross called; Tony didn’t want anything to do with him but answered anyway.

The ensuing conversation was heated and ended with Tony yelling, “Your war killed more than my cooperation, Ross!”

He slammed down the phone, the cradle rocking precariously before it settled. Tony put his head in his hands, trying to calm his racing heart and refusing to let loose the tears burning behind his eyelids. _Just breathe, Tony. Breathe_.

A hand fell on his shoulder and he startled, jerking around to face Natasha who stood in front of him in a forcibly casual position, her face sympathetic but grim. Tony noticed she was holding the phone and his mouth twisted. “Take it.” He said hoarsely. “I don’t want the temptation.”

She looked at him for a long moment and nodded, leaning against his desk. “Ross?” she asked, indicating the phone with a nod.

Tony shrugged. “This war killed my baby. I’m done.” He leaned back in the chair, staring at his hands clasped together in his lap. “He can crucify me, throw me in the Raft, I don’t care. I’m done.”

Silence reigned for a moment. “If Steve had known –“ Natasha started hesitantly.

Tony’s eyes snapped up to meet hers, not bothering to try and deny the obvious. “You know why I didn’t tell him.”

“You don’t know that he would feel manipulated, Tony.”

His face crumpled and he slumped forward, grimacing at the still healing incision on his stomach. “I couldn’t risk it, Natasha. I couldn’t.” He murmured brokenly.

She studied him for a moment, watching him attempt to pull his emotions back under control. She slid to her knees in front of Tony, pulling him from the chair and into a firm hug. He resisted her for a moment but then just collapsed against her, pillowing his head against her chest and wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m just so tired.” He whispered before falling silent for a moment. “I’m sorry for what I said to you.”

Natasha ran a hand through his hair comfortingly. “I know. That’s why I came back.” They sat curled up on the floor, offering silent comfort to each other over everything they had lost.

 

_“I’m trying to keep-“ Tony realized he was shouting and cut himself off, taking a deep breath and slamming a tight lid on his emotions. “I’m trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart.” His fist was clenched and shaking and he desperately hoped Steve would understand._

_I’m trying to keep you from tearing us apart._

_It was a lost cause and he knew it just from looking at the stubborn expression on Steve’s face. “You did that when you signed.” Steve’s anger was evident in every word._

_Tony’s heart crumbled, recognizing that there would be no avoiding this fight. ‘Dear baby,’ he thought hysterically while dodging an arrow, ‘One day your daddy and I fought and almost blew up an airport. I hope you’re better at communication than we are.’_

 

Rhodey opened the door to Tony's darkened room cautiously. "Tones?" He called out.

A muffled noise came from the foot on the bed and Rhodey limped in that direction, adjusted the shocks on his braces and asking FRIDAY to raise the lights. The light illuminated a drunk Tony sitting on the floor at the end of his bed, legs drawn up to his chest and his forehead resting on his jean-clad knees. A mostly empty bottle of vodka lay next to him and soft sobs interrupted the still room.

Rhodey sat down gently next to Tony and carefully pulled him into a half-hug, warm comfort seeping through Tony's ratty t-shirt. After a few moments, Tony lifted his head and rested it back against the bed behind him, jostling out from underneath Rhodey's arm. He picked up the bottle of vodka and, taking a long swig, refused to turn and make eye contact with Rhodey.

"We didn't have scotch." he said hoarsely. Rhodey didn't respond, just settled in next to him, providing silent sympathy. Tony dropped the bottle to the floor and curled in on himself again.

"She fel' like a girl." He slurred quietly after a moment. Rhodey startled; Tony had absolutely refused to talk about what had happened or who the father was. (Natasha knew but when Rhodey asked her, she just shook her head and said, "It's not my secret to tell.") "I was going to name her Maria." Tony paused and took a hitching breath before continuing, "She fel' like a Maria. He took that from me. He took my baby and my mom. I don't....I can't...."

Rhodey pulled him in for a real hug and Tony clutched at Rhodey's back, tears spilling down his cheeks, allowing him to truly grieve for the first time. "I thought we would make up." He whispered into Rhodey's shirt. "I thought he would understand. I thought-" Tony trailed off. "I thought we could be happy."

"I was wrong."

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for the sudden ending. I had a whole idea about how Steve finds out via the news and tries to send Tony apologies in the form of drawings of them as a family but then Tony just thinks that Steve is being cruel but that didn't happen.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [No One Is Guiltless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8163941) by [LadyTempus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyTempus/pseuds/LadyTempus)




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